I got Nothin’

I sheepishly write this. I know it’s been months. We were busy in London. (Haha, my boring routine, QUICKLY changed and became a fast paced, amazing race, all the way up to getting to Alaska).
I’m done making promises to blog. Because I know, and I’m sure you know, I’m not always capable of keeping them. But I am going to try to blog here. Really. I really mean it this time. But yet, I don’t make promises. 😉

Another thing I have been inconsistent at unfortunately, is reading my bible. Amidst the craziness of life in London, it often was forgotten and pushed aside. : Which was obviously a very bad idea on my part, as the days I DID have my bible times, were often the best days I had while I was there. It makes me wonder what blessings I may have missed. =

So, I resolved to read through the old testament in the next couple of months. Just a chapter a day, so that I could really study it. Journaling on what I learned throughout. So this is part of my entry for yesterday: (Heh, I share it with no pride, but only to share an honest picture of my heart.)

August 10, 2010
I’m ashamed at already being so inconsistent in studying God’s word. The past three days have been hard ones for me, and instead of going to Jesus for help, I avoided Him. Until I’d done and said things that needed forgiveness.
Today I prayed with Him for a long time though, and probably will more as I go to sleep. And I so want to honor Him. I so want to let nothing separate us. I so want to do His will.
Lord. HELP me! I fall so short. And I need your strength. ‘Cause I got nothin’.
I don’t think I begin to understand what you’ve done for me, and the extent of how you love me. Please SHOW me, let my eyes see and my heart understand who you are, and how to fear you.
I think that is the key to so many things in my life. If I really feared you, I would obey, honor, trust and love you implicitly. And yet I don’t, because on my own, my sinful heart I don’t think has that capacity.
Help my heart God. Please make it like yours. There are so many things to want to do in life, things I know you want me to do. But I got nothin’. Give me something Lord. To offer the world, and most importantly to offer you.
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THEN, after writing that, I read my bible. Matthew 5. And there are so many wonderful things in that chapter. But just a couple lines blew my mind away. I’d read them before, and at times they’d had a similar effect, but the timing was so perfect. So God.

So: Matthew 5:6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.” I wrote in my journal, “sort of an answer to prayer. Despite my unrighteousness, God can make me righteous and He wants to! He can fill me.”
I have that desire, that thirst (though at times spiritually I’m probably more like a starving, dehydrated delusional person in the dessert. But I’m by an oasis. And yet I’m too proud to refresh myself. (I’m not always very bright… I look back on different times and think… “I was DUMB”) )but anyway, I have that thirst, and I am so unrighteous, but God wants and can change me. That’s encouraging.

Two verses later:
Matthew 5:8: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” after reading that I wrote, “That’s pretty powerful. They will SEE God. Have a deep relationship with Him, communicate with Him. I don’t really know what it is to be pure in heart, but that can be a life long goal, which I know God has the power to help me achieve.” So, I am now striving to be pure in heart. I can really only imagine what that truly looks like, but I know I want it.

And lastly:
Matthew 5:48: “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly father is perfect.” And Wow. Just to end the chapter like that. In my mind I put them all together last night (for me, maybe not for anyone else) like this:

1.He will fill me if I seek Him. 2. Through seeking, running after Him, He can make me pure in heart and I can SEE Him. 3. Be perfect. He’s given us His Son, His spirit, His word. He can give us His strength to run after Him. There are no excuses. Be perfect.

And on my own, I got nothin’, I’m just a broken vessel. But it’s the treasure in me that is something.

Caroline Ann

“But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.” –2 Corinthians 4:7